9/15/00
Today there was a spooky old house next to kyle swan's house. I dared him to go there, and told him there is probably nothing worse than a zombie anyway. Just then a big dog came and bit him in the arm. I had to go to the hospital with him. It was really boring in the waiting room. ZOmbietucker said that he could do a trick on his bike, but all he did was fall over.
9/12/00
There was a bum sitting outside my office today, smoking a ciggarete, and yelling about the book of jobe. I had nothing better to do, so i bought myself a Sobe and challenged him to a freestyle rap competition. The following ensued
Me: Pimpin my ho's, like all dem mofo's
Bum: smokin' my grass, before i cap yo ass
Me: drivin mah 64 wit yo momma on da flo
Bum: Nigga, just stop dropping lines, cause im sick of your G-ed up rhymes
Me: Damn, man, my rhymes are it, and did i mention you smell like shit?
Bum: Listening to you makes me sick, gunna go find yo momma so she can suck mah dick.
Me: Yeah... UH-huh das' right
Bum: Bust a move and get yo ass into a funky G-groove
Me: Niggas all around me be droppin' like flies, cause when i bust mah piece, everybody dies
9/09/00
Zombietucker got a duck yesterday. he brought it over. It knocked over a bottle of ether. The duck ate some of my socks, and my best looney tunes tie. I stepped on the ducks head and then gave it back to zombietucker. Later on when i was building a spice rack, he threw a dead duck against my window, which startled me and caused me to put a drill through my head ( see pictures on his site).
8/22/00
Hi im zombiebob, and i am the stupidest zombie ever. Today i went to a gay bar because i am gay. I didn't go their on accident, its because im gay. and I have sex with men. I am much stupider than zombiesean and zombietucker, and i am also a homosexual that likes to have sex with men. I went to patty's because i wanted to have sex with more men, because thats what i do all the time because im a homosexual. I wear stupid hawaiian shirts and i talk funny, because thats what happens when you have butt sex.
- zombietucke..... er.... zombieblob
8/17/00
Yesterday, i wrote about the fair, because i got paid $50 to write an article for a local newspaper. I wrote this. "The fair is really stoopid, so you shouldn't go their. Zombietucker wouldn't get off the zipper, no matter how many people came and poked him with sticks. I got stuck at the top of the ferris wheel. I threw candy apples at zombietucker, and then i put some cotton candy in a little girls hair. But the part about the fair was the worst was that zombietucker's goat won last place in the fair ( probably because it was dead) and i had to listen to his shit the whole way home. So fuck you, and give me my fifty bucks. - Zombiebob"
I found zombietucker peeing on my article later on in the day, so i put it on a shelf, cause i had to turn it in in 3 hours. after that i caught him rolling his own ciggaretes with it. So I grabbed his head and bashed it against the article a bunch of times, and then i drowned him in the bathtub.
i went to turn in the article, which was covered with piss and human flesh, and tripped on my face. the article went into an open sewer. Fuck.
8/15/00
Today joe (who used to work at the office) and i went to see "coyote ugly." when we got to the theater, zombietucker was there beating up little kids and stealing their change.
i didn't want to buy tickets. I went over to where zombietucker was protesting the house of the dead arcade machine ( and by protesting i mean kicking) and asked if i could sign his anti-capcom petition. When he gave me the pen to sign, i jabbed it in his eye and took his movie tickets. Coyote ugly was the worst movie ever. Even worse than E.T. some teenagers were throwing Ju-Ju bees at me. There was nothing i could do about it because they were at least three rows back and armed with goobers. I spilled my whoppers, so i decided to leave. Afterwards, zombietucker and i battled to the death, but thats another story entirely.
8/14/00
Today zombie sean and i got new bikes at the store. We went to " Death hill" which is a really steep hill, and decided to race them down. Zombie sean hit a rock and fell off. He smashed his head on the ground. After i was done laughing, i peed on his bike tires and left.
8/10/00
A whole bunch of zombies came into town today. Zombies that id never even seen before. they said they needed a zombie sacrifice ( meaning zombie tucker owed someone some money). I brained zombie tucker with a hammer and threw him in the river. I heard that they found him and stoned him publicly, or that they just beat him with stick. Either way, I don't really care. Good riddance zombie tucker.
8/09/00
Where's Joe?
8/08/00
Today i had to work all day. Somebody stole the copy machine. I was angry because the water cooler wasn't working. It was Mr. Glascock's ( who is my boss) birthday today. Gretchen from accounting got him a tie, John from advertising got him a sport coat, I got him an old muffin from the cafeteria, and Joe got him a copy machine.
8/07/00
I noticed that my pocketwatch had been stopped since three days ago. That godamned zombietucker....
8/06/00
Well, I got back from betty ford today. They told me to believe in a higher power. I got a paycheck in the mail today. god told me to give it to zombietucker. I seem to be giving him a lot of money lately.
8/05/00
Well, I got back from betty ford today. They told me to believe in a higher power. God told me to give zombietucker all my money.
8/04/00
Well, I got back from betty ford today. They told me to believe in a higher power. God told me to give zombietucker all my money.
8/03/00
Well I got back from mexico today. A little girl asked me " chicle chicle" and since i don't speak any mexican ( zombie tucker offered me a course in which i paid him $5 and he said " yo no hablo ingles" and ran away) i answered " Brains." ( 9 out of 10 zombies had similar responses to recent polls) seconds later, i was passed out in a gutter with all my disney bucks stolen.
I was on the airplane to come back and then i remember somebody stole my walet and my novelty hat. I didn't meet with the buyer, and the worst part is i left my senor frogs t-shirt under the seat
6/25/00
I had to leave on a buisiness trip today. everybody else in the office got to go to hawaii, or some other exotic country. the only place left was mexico. and of course, they stuck the zombie with that trip. I got to customs, and they decided to search my luggage, and to my suprise, a dead parrot and a colobus monkey fell out of my suitcase. I was fooled again....
6/24/00
Work was really bad today. First, zombie tucker showed up to take me to lunch, but said that he didn't have a car, and he didn't really remember how he got there in the first place. I told him to get out of my work, and he said no and then he used this stupid attack where he kicked me in the shins and threw hot coffee in my eyes. I got real mad, so i threw him out the window ( my office is 50 stories up). And then to top it off, i ripped off my hand when i was trying to get a free mountain dew out of the machine.
6/23/00
Zombie was so hungry. I had to take a trip to the supermarket with zombie tucker. It was really embarrasing because zombie tucker wasn't wearing any pants. The worst part was when he went up to the iranian guy at the counter and asked " Do you have any human flesh?" Moron. We walked around the store for a while, handing breakables to small children (Eggs are the best to give them) and watching them get spanked by their parents. Well, once again zombie tucker takes it to far. he goes " watch this" and throws a can of tomatoes at a baby's head. Afterwards, he ate the baby, and he starts laughing like it was the most original joke ever. That moron. The store manager came out and told us we had to pay for the damages we caused. Zombie tucker suggested that we eat him. Zombie tucker had to pay $50 for all the eggs he broke. I had to pay $5 for the applesauce jar. Afterwards, we put a can of old tuna in the film drop for revenge.
6/22/00
You kids think you are so funny!!!?!?! Today fat kid across the street through rock at zombie window. Zombie get mad!!!!!I go across street and kick his dog. Then he came out of his house and sprayed me with the hose. I fell over, and he kept spraying me in the eyes and i couldn't see him to kill him. Fat kid wins round one, but I'll get him....
6/20/00
Some asshole came into town today and told the mayor he would kill me and zombie tucker for 50 bucks. He called himself " GAry ZomBIE killer" Some zombie killer he was. " Gary" came to my house and threw a gas bomb through my window, which i didn't care about. Then he started shooting me in the head through the window. I still wasn't about to get up. Well after that, he kicked my door down, which really pissed me off because I just got it replaced. thats when i got up and kicked him square in the genitals. You humans think you're so funny and better than zombie? I threw him through the window of his car,then i peed on his tires and pushed his car into the lake. If you damn humans think you can make a few easy bucks killing zombies, you've get another thing coming |
